I am back in my university in Thailand after spending few months semester break in my country. Was there any time in your life when you had to leave your loved ones behind for any government assignments or duty? How did you feel to be away them? Today the same feeling that you felt is killing me every second.
I have two daughters. The elder is six and the younger three. Ever since I had them, I have not a single day stayed away from them. Now you won’t believe me when I say ‘ not a single day’. Trust me, it’s true. Like to anybody, my family means all the world to me.
But, when duty takes precedence over love we cant help it. It forces us to be away from your loved ones and staying away from them makes us homesick, depressed, distressed, anxious, insecure, withdrawn, helpless- you name it .
I have heard stories of Pemi Tshewang Tashi who had to painfully leave his family and set out for war, Gasa Lamai Singye who had to leave his fiancee Galem for a government assignment and today when I have left my family I am among them feeling the same heavy feeling.
I feel unaccompanied. I feel as though i have lost a life giving element. I feel that I am away from the most solacing thing on earth.I feel insecure because I have no one to turn to and confide to if I run into troubles. I can’t help watching the video clip I recorded in my mobile when I was with them, over and over like a stuck record and I wouldn't mind even if my mobile phone gets damaged. I haven’t opened my backpack in which my wife stuffed all my necessary things because I feel her presence with the bag and if i am in the room I can’t help staying by the bag. I haven’t washed my face for the last two days because my daughters left their adieu kisses on my cheeks. I don’t want their kisses to be washed away and go in the drains. I can’t stay long in my room because I feel that the walls are cutting me off from them. I feel that they are somewhere outside. I don’t mind spending heavily on top-up cards (One minute talk costs around 15 baht or so). Hearing their voice in the phone overwhelms me with emotions, wells my eyes with tears, tightens my throat and I go speechless. After the calls I cant help burying my face in my pillow. Sometimes I wish I had never come here.
Although it’s hard to come to terms with my being away from my family, I find no option but to struggle in time. I can only pray God that my wife and two daughters be well and safe. At night I look at the sky and look at glowing moon and wish if I was it to see everything beneath it. Sometimes I wish I was the sun whose rays can touch all places on earth in a split-second. Above all, I wish I had the power to pull time.
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